Friendship Defined

I write this post for several reasons.  One for venting the other for defining and moving forward.

I consider my friends to be just that " Friends"   there when you need them and on stand by until then.   I consider myself to be a friend to several and used by some.  I am a nurturer in helping people through tough times which is something that gives me joy as I see them come out of the other side with a greater understanding of who they are and what their purpose is.

It is hard for me to call everyone my friend because I have been burnt so many times.   I never if ever ask for help because I don't want the disappointment.  The sad part is the same people I would go get off the side of the road or take them to get food are not not always the ones I would think of that would do for me.  I only wish that all of the positive energy that I put out to others is passed on to someone because they needed it more.  It hurts me when people are just plain mean spirited for the sake of their own insecurities.  They find people like me with a giving spirit and take advantage of it.  Shame on me for not seeing it. but no more...

It is not my place to correct a grown woman for allowing others to use them or take advantage of them unless they ask my advice.  I am a listener until you ask.   Once you ask don't get mad if you don't like what I have to say.  You should know me by now so you really already know what my answer will be.  So don't think you are appeasing me by asking me for advise.  I do not have all of the answers only mine and I have enough to worry about.

Family is just that family.  I did not choose them and I don't deal with them if I don't choose to.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family but every one has drama in theirs and I avoid any and all of it at all cost.  So if I don't go around my family it is because I will not filter my words for grown folks because you are the drama queen/king and you pretend not to be.  I just stay in my lane at my house.  It is not always about what you have accomplished it should be about what our relationship is and how we can stay connected as a family.
Family getting their feeling hurt over petty issues that don't accomplish anything gives me acid reflux.

I can no longer allow myself to be in a place of being used for the good in me and being taken advantage of. I don't know what my tomorrow will bring but I do know what I will expect going forward.

Friendship is something I value.  I think I will re-evaluate my friends.

Favor

a (1) : friendly regard shown toward another especially by a superior (2) : approving consideration or attention : approbation

b : partiality

c archaic : leniency

d archaic : permission

e : popularity

2

archaic

a : appearance

b (1) : face (2) : a facial feature

3

a : gracious kindness; also : an act of such kindness <did you a favor>

b archaic : aid, assistance

c plural : effort in one's behalf or interest : attention

4

a : a token of love (as a ribbon) usually worn conspicuously

b : a small gift or decorative item given out at a party

c : badge

5

a : a special privilege or right granted or conceded

b : sexual privileges —usually used in plural

6

archaic : letter

7

: behalf, interest

We all know the saying "Favor ain't Fair".   

 If you have not heard it you have not lived long enough for something drastic to happen to you.   With all that I am going through I could say it also but I don't.   

We spend our lives looking to live in perfection. Who decides what perfection is in your life ? The media? Or the decisions you make while on this journey.   

My Favor is what is it is.  It is fair to me because that is what God has chosen for me at this time of my journey.   I redirect where I have favor.  While these issues with my breast may not be what I had planned for "A Perfect Life" it is in His plan to teach me something. And that makes my life "Perfect".

  My Favor now has been redirected to all of the support that I have in my life where others in my situation do not.  So if you think Favor ain't Fair you need to find the Favor in your life because I have mine.   

Every day I wake up knowing I have the most supportive Husband in the world I have Favor.  When I think of the love I have in my family and know that there are families that do not, I know I have Favor.  

When I think about all of the people that have shared my story with that have called, text, and emailed me I have Favor. 

 So don't feel sorry for me because I have learned in this season that Favor is Fair. 

It is now up to you to define your Favor.   

Grace

1

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2

a : approval, favor <stayed in his good graces>

b archaic : mercy, pardon

c : a special favor : privilege <each in his place, by right, notgrace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling>

d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

3

a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic

b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm <all the growth of youth — John Buchan>

c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing

4

—used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop

5

: a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks

I give this definition for you to choose what Grace means to you on a daily basis.   I have had a very rough last month.   It started before last month but I will give you the short version and what Grace means to me.

If you have read any of my post you know that I had a biopsy in Nov of 2011 before a hysterectomy.  With that biopsy I was told I would have to have them every 4 to 6 months.

After being the plus one for my friend at the breast cancer support group I knew it was time for my regular biopsy.   On April 16th I had my mammogram as usual.   This would be a change I would mark for the rest of my life.   On the following Thurs I was asked to come back down to have a diagnostic exam..  A more detail look at my right breast.  I was then asked to go to the room and sit while the radiologist looks at my pictures to see if more were needed.  I sit in this room knowing that this would be the beginning of something I was not ready for. 

After ten very agonizing minutes the nurse comes back and says" Can you do a ultrasound today?"   I was thinking to myself "Sure that is what I want to be doing today!"  She said if you could wait 30 minutes we can fit you in.   FYI  I work at a Dr's office, when we work someone in that means something is not right and they want to see it STAT !  .. I politely told her I needed to step away from the situation.  I needed to go talk to my Dr.  I would come back in thirty minutes.  

My Doctor is the most caring, compassionate and giving person I have EVER worked for.  I am there because I believe in her and I would do anything for her.   She was waiting on me when I came back to the office. She could see the concern in my eyes and she gave me time to calm my nerves and went back down for the ultrasound.   I had taken my meds so I was calmer so I was more prepared.

After the diagnostic showed places on both breast my doctor call a specialist and she saw me that day to do a bedside ultrasound and explained what they saw.  I will say that is one of the perks of working for a Doctor who has a great relationship with her colleagues.   
From there I have had both Diagnostic and MRI led biopsies.   I would not wish the MRI Biopsy on anyone. I cried during the entire 4 hours.  Not from the pain but from just being poked on for the last month.  Then I felt His Grace take over me. I could not imagine what other women go through or what my cousin or co worker went through this past year.  I only know that His Grace sustains me and what ever this has for me it has for me.  I only ask you to get your mammograms and be persistent if you feel something.  I did not but I am blessed that I have a family of co workers, family and friends that cover me with love even when I don't think I deserve it.   I am in this season for a reason, to learn grow and share. And that is what I will do. 

The "C" word

For the last few days I could not think of anything to blog on so I have stayed away until now. 

Yesterday I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group with a co worker. She invited me to be her "plus one". I said o.k. because to me it was an honor.  She is very private and does not share her story.  She is a beautiful person and can not see it for her physical scars.

As I was sitting listening to the stories of the survival and diagnosis-es of the different women I realized that God sent me here.  He knew at that time that was the place I was suppose to be.   I listened as my coworker spoke for the very first time in any of the previous meetings allowing others into her journey.  I was so proud of her.   I sat there thinking of why me and then I remember God has sent me here prepared because of my walk before I came to this point.

In 2011 I changed Doctors because I changed jobs so I wanted to be closer to home.  Home is consistent jobs are not.  Find a Doctor close to home.  I went to a PCP and told him that I had fibroids and was told that they should be taken out.  I had avoided in the previous years because life got in the way. My previous Dr. of several years just told me to let her know when I was ready. Little did I know changing Dr's would change my life.

My PCP recommended this OBGYN practice upstairs from his office and He actually had his nurse make an appointment to insure that I would go.  I get upstairs and there is this empty waiting room and a nurse working from a laptop.  I am thinking what kinda mess is this?   I go back and meet the Dr. and she asked several questions before she examined me.  During my exam she kept asking me could I not feel the fibroids I told her no ( I guess I was use to them).She set another appointment and I think she asked that I bring my husband.  We went to the office and she told me I needed to get the fibroids out.  She said I did not realize how sick I was because I had just adjusted to the long periods and being tired all the time, and I had.  She said pick a day... I told her it would have to be the next year and she said " No it will be This Year"

So her we go.. before you have a hysterectomy you have to have a mammogram.  It is standard.  Well try 4 mammograms and then a biopsy to remove tissue because they think you may have pre-cancerous cells.  That which determines if you get to keep an ovary or take hormone medication. This all happened 3 weeks before I was to have surgery.  At one point I was asked to come to the hospital immediately for a follow up and I went to the wrong hospital. I was so delirious I could not even think to call anyone. When I realized I was at the wrong place I sat in my car and cried.  My thoughts were not only am I having my uterus removed , they may also take my breast.  I could not breath.

After the biopsy I went see a specialist to review the findings with me.  He was so kind.  The first thing he said to me was "You are not going to loose your breast and you are not going to die".  After we finished he asked if I would like for him to explain it to my husband and mother who were in the waiting room.  BTW he was there on his off day just to see me because he was of a good friend of my OBGYN.

So I dodged the breast bullet and had my surgery.

Then in 2012 my most favorite cousin for which we share a middle name is diagnosed with breast cancer.  I became her silent partner.  When I could make it I went to her Dr's appointment and her treatments.  I would sit with her and make sure she was comfortable.  My sister and I would swap up spending the night with her after treatment to make sure she ate and did not get sick.  When introduced at her appointments we would say she is our " cousin-sister-friend.  She had a mastectomy and is now back at work. She was a trooper and I am so proud of her strength.

Now here I am in this meeting..just where I am suppose to be with my coworker who will have surgery at the end of the month.  I have only known her for a few months but I have already told her she had better get ready for me to be there when she wakes up..

 I can't say enough about my OBGYN. By the way I now work for her.  That is how much she means to me.  She started her own practice and I went to volunteer when I was laid off and have not left.  She is my Godsend and I want to do whatever I can to make sure she is successful.

God has a way of putting you in the right place at the right time.  I am right where I should be.

Setting Standards 

Today I was reminded of how so many women/young girls will put up with any and everything and call it a relationship.  I literally had to separate a young lady  from her male friend to get what was really going on with her.  Come to find out she is is a bad situation and it will only get worse if she does not make some changes, because as we all know he is not going to change.   I say this all the time and I will say it till I get the point across to whomever will listen.  "You Teach People How To Treat You"! Period end of story.  

• If a friend is always calling you asking for money or a ride to work and you don't feel comfortable asking for reciprocity that is what you get in return. Nothing
• If the man you date was cheating with you what do you think will happen when things get bad in your relationship.  "If he cheats with you he will cheat on you" You set the standard when you allowed it to go on.
• If your boss uses you to do things he does not want to do our sends you to pick up his kids and laundry without compensation yet with expectation. This is a problem 
• If your husband/wife spends more time with his friends than with you,, I will leave that one alone.  I will just say that I would expect if you work all day you would want to spend more time with your spouse than your friends 
• If you have to spend your time checking your loved ones phone .... ??? Why are you checking their phone?? What are you looking for? If you have to go looking expect to find something and then don't get your panties in a wad. 

If you are the receiver of these actions you have set these standards for yourself.  You decide how people treat us daily. No matter what the interaction it is how we respond or react that sets the standard.

I tell my co-workers quite often that I love them and I truly mean it.   I also tell them it is easier to love than it is to hate.  It takes to much energy and besides that gives the other person control.  When you lower your standard/expectations you have no right to be angry with anyone but yourself because you have allowed that energy in your spirit. 

You should always want to get what you give. I try to show everyone the real me daily. I am direct, show tough love and would do anything for you until you cross me and then I will surely let you know.  I don't bite my tongue because that is a waist of time. People always know where I stand with them and I hope they do the same with me. I am quick to correct myself if I make a mistake. I will not change who I am to gain friends.  That is not me. 

For my friends who see yourself in these examples know that God did not put you on this earth to be abused or used.  We all have the right to be respected and loved unconditionally.   First you have to love yourself because if not you will never know what true love is.   

Set your Standards and Stand Firm ! 

The Power of the Tongue 

There certain times when people are going through major changes in their lives that words are sometimes too much.   I will use my daughter today because this is very relevant. 

My grand baby has failed her hearing test since birth.   That is something we have been dealing, praying and just digesting since the first failed test.  It is interesting to me how some people will say things like "Well at least she has five fingers and toes!"  " Well she is still beautiful"  People please none of this helps the parents or  any part of the family to make it alright.  This is a time when just being there and offering support if you don't know what to say.  

Please don't be sorry because God truly has a plan for our Ellie.  We are not sure what it is but we are standing in His name for guidance and the next steps this season.   I just ask that you pray for whatever God has for her and make it Big!  As you are doing that learn to sign.  If not for Ellie for someone you never thought you would communicate with.  

As for Erica and Andrew give them a break.  The can only repeat so many times what the doctor said. Please allow them to process their next steps and have a little time for adjustment.  If you have a need to know ask me.  Right now they need a rest  This is all new for all of us   .  I truly hope you understand. 

Blessings to you. 

Andrea Tarpley 

The Color of Love. 

 I married a man far from which anyone who knew me would never think I would be with.  I grew up in a  3 girls 2 boys single parent home.  I was not taught color but it was understood " Just don't let their parents know where we live".  We always had people of every color at our house but I never dated outside my race til I met my husband.  My other siblings dated but I went all the way. I married outside my race.

    What I have learned is his love for me and my love for him is stronger than any challenge we have been through.  I have many stories to share about my life in an interracial marriage and I will start with the one that hurt the worst. .....  My father did not walk me down the isle.   When I told him that I was getting married he said he wanted nothing to do with it, and he didn't . nothing. No conversation not interaction no introduction. Nothing.  And not one of my uncles on my fathers side of the family attended my wedding.  Not one.
   But this is how our God works,

When our youngest daughter graduated from high school she invited my father and he came.  After the graduation my husband went over to my father and said his daughter needed her father and we were given a do over.  It was all a misunderstanding because someone else stuck their nose in our business and it cause my father to back off.
We spent 13 years not speaking because of it.  I know it was the God I serve that bought us back together because the devil would have allowed it to continue.  I also owe the greatest of thanks to the wonderful husband how stands by me when I can't stand for myself.


I love the God I serve. He had given me a beautiful relationship with my father and a Ride of Die Marriage with my husband of more than 20 years.